You know it’s Parents’ Weekend when, on campus, there are more women above the age of 50 wearing Burberry jackets than there are guys in their 20s wearing Chacos. But, hey, at least they fed us and bought us alcohol met our friends. Here are a few more things they did/could have done/should have done/will never do:
- OLYMPICS: Guess the family trip to Chicago for the Olympics is over now. That’s OK, they didn’t really want it anyway and it wouldn’t really have helped the city. But, if now you’re going to Rio, get your visa ASAP.
- FOOD: All those groceries that our parents bought for us over the weekend will help with the weight gain. But will it make us poor, too?
- COMPUTERS: Next time you ask your parents for a new computer, ask for the original ThinkPad. Trust me, they won’t say no.
- SAFETY: In case your parents don’t think Public Safety does enough, they can now hire America’s Private Police Force for all their kidnapping, surveillance and Guantanamo detainee needs.
- PRIZES: Parents of this year’s Ward Prize winners certainly had a reason to be proud this weekend, at least, as long as they don’t know if their kids went to whatever “-fest” that was in Atwater last night.
- MONEY: For parents who want their kids to make money, they should encourage them to go to all finance information sessions possible, not extort David Letterman. Fails every time.
- ANCESTORS: With the discovery that Ardi is 4.4 million years old, I don’t know if parents should be relieved or encouraged by the fact that chimps have evolved just as much as humans.
- BIDEN: Ever wonder how to answer your kid when he or she asks, “What does the Vice President do?” Well, he has lunch with troops, laughs with Clinton, meets with important diplomats and plays golf with Obama.
- DRUGS: Parents, who’s using performance enhancing drugs now? a) Your favorite baseball star b) your kids or c) their professors.
Video of the Week: While academics debate the appropriate use of the word “holocaust”, everyone should watch the only twenty-second video footage of Anne Frank that exists.