MB: Hi, thanks for agreeing to the interview, I’m trying to expand my coverage to more significant pieces for Middblog.
T: yeah, sure.
MB: So, This little tree grove is great. Two trees, wide canopies, the ability to spy on people leaving McCullough.
T: Um, yeah I guess. It gets boring after a billion years.
MB: A billion years? Most people would be thrilled to reach that age, you’re being a bit ungrateful.
T: yeah well, you’re only 19, so what the fuck do you know?
MB: well said. So tree grove, does it annoy you when people leave their apple cores under your roots? I’ve done it before, but only cuz I thought maybe you were lonely and you’d like a nice little apple tree to keep you company.
T: apples give me anxiety. Sometimes I’m like “hey, all I’ve got over here are pines.” Shouldn’t that be enough?
MB: Well put tree grove. I saw some kids really super high in your branches the other day.
T: yes people do that.
MB: And also, I’ve always wanted to string up paper lanterns and have a dinner party over here, but I thought it’d get kind of cold.
MB: more importantly, do you like Middlebury?
T: yeah it’s cool. People like the sap on my bark here, sometimes I get embarrassed, because I sweat a lot of sap. It’s made me kind of unpopular with the ladies.
MB: the lady trees?
T: nah, just ladies.
MB: how do trees feel about interspecial relationships?
T: I don’t know man, I reproduce abiotically.
MB: That’s not a word.
T: What are you, a biology major?
MB: Lit Studies.
T: thought so.
MB: Ok well thank you tree, I look forward to seeing you tomorrow when I read underneath your branches. Also tree, I got really upset in a class the other day because my professor doesn’t believe that literature is a subjective experience. I mean what am I doing here then, right? I only went to college so I could read other people’s reasons for living, I call my career in literary studies ‘sorting-out-mantras-so-i-can-pick-my-own,’ how do you live with yourself everyday? I mean come on, a billion years and you still cant read.
T: you know what I think?
T: I think man was only invented to appreciate the beauty of nature. You’re like the art critic we created so we could prove how beautiful we are.
MB: that sounds like creationalism.
T: Well, I wasn’t the one who made creationalism a tool of conservative radicals.
MB: Yeah, ok I feel you tree.
And that’s all, I hope you guys stay tuned for more interviews from inanimate objects on campus that I hope to project my own opinions upon.
Until then, stay studious, and make sure to go to the Robert W. Velde Memorial lecture with journalist David Goodman today 4:30 pm in Dana.