This reporter sat down among the Sunday night occupants of Wilson Café for an exclusive interview with campus Twitter personality @MiddTwitt, the creation of two anonymous Middlebury seniors. @Middtwit was 20 minutes late, and slightly inebriated, but I hope that the transcript below will entertain their 1,128 followers and inspire the larger community to heed the greatest twitter handle of all (midd) time.
Middblog: Who is Middtwit?
@Middtwitt: A compulsively overwhelmed, sexually desperate, chronically single, undeniably lovable individual.
Middblog: Come graduation do you have plans to pass the handle on?
@Middtwitt: No, we’re going to retire and expose our identity by graduation. We don’t know how yet, suggestions are welcome. Also if anyone wants to hook up with us or suck our D, or pay for us to appear at your party on commission, message us.
Middblog: Which aspects of middlife have you come to specialize in?
@Middtwitt: Defecation, reality TV, crushes. Theyre universal, we all defecate, we all kind of wish we were on reality TV, and we’re all weirdly obsessed with strangers we see in Proctor.
Middblog: Is there any particular person in Proctor you’ve crushed on?
@Middtwitt: I’ve always had a crush on this sophomore, whose name is P—. He kind of sucks, I don’t like his personality at all. Like if he said, hey let’s make out, I wouldn’t. but I’ve always had a crush on him. You know, you have to brand some people as being your crush, just so you actually have one. You have to keep them the way you keep quarters, or tampons. You sustain a crush in the same way you squeeze out your face wash until the last drop. It’s expensive, it takes effort to buy, purchase, create a new crush. I’ve got to stand by what I have, and what I have is a random shithead named P—.
Middblog: Do you think most people know your identies?
@Middtwitt: No (to a student sitting at an adjacent table) Do you have a Twitter? See, he doesn’t. That guy doesn’t know who I am.
Middblog: What is the best moment you’ve had at Middlebury?
@Middtwitt: Today I had an orgy in the cellphone booth. Also, you sometimes sophomores read your twitter and suck your D because of it.
Middblog: Are you refrerencing P—?
@Middtwitt: Next question.
Middblog: What would you say to those who feel Middlebury can become monotonous, homogenous, or dull?
@Middtwitt: It is. But that can be very exciting. Monotony is incredible when youre attracted to white, brown haired men. That kind of monotony yields a lot at Middlebury.
Middblog: What are you most known for?
@Middtwitt: We’ve pioneered a lot of Middlebury Twitter memes such as #MiddG, #existentialquestions, #predictions like #predicting freshman tweets. Personifying objects, like printers.
Middblog: What are your favorite tweets?
@Middtwitt: It was something like “Masturbation marathon tonight in hopes of being less desperate tonight” and “Shaving my pubic hair #mispredictingfridaynighttweets”
Middblog: Do you ever feel your Twitter identity and your personal ones collide?
@Middtwitt: Its like our sexuality, relatively fluid. Most things are thinly veiled autobiographical data. It does sometimes get uncomfortable. It almost ruins our lives but at the same time it makes us who we are and is the most important part about ourselves.
Middblog: In closing, what message do you hope will resonate with the Middlebury community.
@Middtwitt: @middnerd is annoying, also I wish the Wilson café sold alcohol and SENIOR GIRLS YOU WILL HAVE SEX AFTER YOU GRADUATE YOU ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL